Sometimes Being a Mom Feels Like a Betrayal to Myself

You know how you always hear people talk about being a parent means doing what's right for your child? Well, what you don't quite as often hear them say is that, sometimes what's right for your child makes you want to claw your eyes out with a melon baller. Yep. That's right. Melon baller.

Last night, Christian was acting very strange. For those of you who have no idea what's going on, we've been having some extending family issues with my grandparents. Well, it's been about six months or so that we've seen them. Which means we've gone from seeing them every day to not at all for half the year. I didn't think it bothered Christian. He never said it did. Whenever I would ask him if he wanted to see or speak to his grandparents he always said no. I made sure to tell him that it wouldn't make me mad or hurt my feelings, but he just didn't show any interest in speaking or seeing them again so I let it go, because I'm mad as I can be at them.

Well, last night Christian was in a mood and I asked him what was wrong. At first he didn't want to tell me but I knew something was wrong. So I told him, I can't fix anything unless he tells me what is going on and it doesn't matter what he says to me because he won't be in trouble. I just need to know. So he says he misses his papaw Sam.

This doesn't sound all that devastating, right? I mean, a parent can totally understand that and all you do is call up the grandparents and say, "hey, your punky wants to visit, do you have time this weekend?" Well, not in this family. Not when the grandparents turn a simple disagreement into high school popularity contests. They're the prom king and queen and I'm the quiet little nerd hoping she doesn't get shoved into her locker. Yep, it's that trivial.

Well, I thought that by keeping Christian away, it would make me feel better and then he would, in turn, not have to put up with all the craziness of their drama, but turns out, I think I let myself convince myself it was best for him. He loves his grandparents, as he should, but I let my anger make me make decisions that were more about wanting to not deal with them than actually dealing with the problem and Christian suffered because of it.

On top of that, he didn't even feel like he could talk to me about it and I think that's what hurts the worst. We have always talked about everything. I know when he's lying and I know when he's upset, but I never saw this coming. I never saw it affecting him like this.

So as hard as it was for me to accept, I called my grandfather this morning and asked him if he'd like to see Christian. He picked him up at 12:30pm and I will pick him up in a few hours. I don't plan on going in, because this doesn't change anything about how I feel with the situation that occurred and the way they handled it afterwards, but if sacrificing a little of my pride means Christian won't be upset, I'm willing to do that.

Because he means everything to me, and even though being the one to call them, being the one to ask if they want to see him, even though all of those things seriously makes me want to cry and scream and kick, I did it because that's what a mom does, and even though I have, do and will make mistakes with the things I do, say, or way I raise my son, no one can ever say I didn't care or put any thought into my actions, words, and thoughts. I love Christian more than anything in this world, and if sacrificing a little bit of who I am means it takes away a little bit of his sadness, confusion, and hurt ... then I will do it without hesitation.

Even though it made me sad to let him go.