Once Upon an Ocean Nightmare (Ch. 10)

**A little bit of what I've been working on for NaNoWriMo** (I won't dilute myself by thinking this is some kind of literary genius. I know it isn't strong and is in desperate need of editing, but considering I didn't start NaNoWriMo until 11-5, I am pleased with the idea so far.)


10
The sun poked over the eastern horizon, lighting the sky long before I felt all my energy return. Ronan’s sealskin was still under me and I considered, for a moment, pulling magic through my fingertips and enclosing the island bed with thick ice, just so I could rest here for a while longer and enjoy the closeness. I could have felt guilty, loving the feel of Ronan’s seal skin under my cheek, knowing that my husband was out there, probably half the distance from what we believed was the true location of Atlantis. That’s what I should have been doing. I should have been focusing on the mission at hand, but I felt no guilt for loving him.

“My queen, it is time to wake. We must head back to the Arctic. If we pace ourselves, we could be there by tomorrow morning, if we slow our pace a bit.” Ronan’s voice felt like a dream I didn’t want to wake up from.

“You know me better than that, Ronan,” I said, stretching to sit up. The other Selkies were already in the water, silently cutting into the water, no doubt scouting for any dangers that may be lurking under the surface.

“Aye, but I was hoping for once you wouldn’t be quite so stubborn, my queen.” I felt him reach out to help me to my feet. I stretched, watching for the sun on the horizon. It already warmed the surface, or maybe that was just the lingering warmth of Ronan’s sealskin.

“We will keep a less strenuous pace, but we will continue to Azores. I will not let Abellona claim victory over me.” I turned to him, hoping I could see his handsome face again, but he was already slipping into his sealskin, the transformation a seamless silence that reminded me much of the way merpeople transformed from fin to legs and back again.

I jumped into the water, leaving Ronan on the quickly dissolving ice.

The water was cool, and as three of the Selkie guard fanned around me, I felt stronger than the day before. Ronan splashed into the water, taking his place in the lead. Now that we were in the water touched by light, I could tell Ronan over the other selkies. I could see the scars on his fur, the patch of slightly silvery fur that had grown in around the part of his fur he had used to make me a sheath seven years earlier. I wanted to reach out, to touch the fur, to trace my fingers along his spine but I resisted the urge. It was inappropriate. He was obviously doing his best to keep what was between us less than what we had once thought it could be. I was thankful to him for not tempting me, for not asking me to make a choice, even if it were only for as long as we were on this journey.

Maybe that was part of the reason I’d even insisted we travel to Azores. At least as long as we were on this journey, we were together. It was torture, being so close to him, knowing that loving him and wanting him was forbidden, except for the anniversary of the war, but I couldn’t stop the way my heart sped up each time he glanced back to catch my eye.

The ice around us began to shrink until there was little more than chunks haphazardly drifting past us. The water had warmed a few degrees and I could feel the sun overhead, high above us, but the light filtered down as if through a child’s toy, dancing on the current. All the noise of the sea had returned, fish darting to and fro, whales hunting in the distance, seals swimming in the far distance. They were just seals, not Selkies and I’m sure Ronan heard them too.

“Ronan, you said you would answer my questions today,” I said, suddenly remembering his promise from the night before.

“Aye, my queen, but you have not asked any questions of me today.” He slowed, as if he expected the steady pace were starting to get to me. Truth be told, it probably would have had more affect on me if he wasn’t so near.

“What happened to the guards?” It should have been the first thought in my mind, more important than sleeping or basking, but only now, as we swam against the current, did I think to be more curious.

“We heard trouble coming. Your guards tried to prepare for a fight, but whatever it was that attacked last night, had no intentions of physical force. The guards never saw it coming. It was a ball of magic that exploded right before them. It was one of the deadly curses. I will not tell you which one, just that if we defeat Abellona before the month’s end, you will not have to inform the families of your royal guard of their demise.” This time he didn’t turn back to face me. His voice as a selkie sounded so different and I tried to remember him speaking to me before, tried to recall his seal voice from the last war but the memory was far too hazy.

Now I thought back to Arion and those weeks he’d spent under the Density spell. Grannus had told stories of his recovery, of how he’d been so near death when the allies had sought his help in recovery. If the guards were healthy, they’d have another four or five weeks before death set in. As if I needed another reason to bear down and move forth with this mission.

“I need to send a message to Arion, telling him where the guards are. Maybe Levana can send a healer to break the spell.” I said the words but I didn’t stop swimming, following Ronan. We both knew what sending word to Arion would mean. As soon as he heard that I was out in the ocean unprotected, he’d clear a path in the sea to get to me. That meant no more longing glances at each other, no more affectionate hugs, no selkie skin to cuddle against at night, but if it was for the good of the kingdom, it had to be worth giving up.

“I’ve already sent Loki with word to Levana. Your guardsmen will not be rescued by a healer. I assume they have been taken prisoner by Abellona or one of her minions. Do not worry about them, my queen, they will be alright as long as we claim victory over Abellona and Atlantis. Atlantis is the key.” He kept swimming, his pace slowed but his movements so graceful and elegant, as if he could read the current before the waves.

I should have realized there was one less selkie in the formation. What was wrong with me? I could not be this narrow minded if I expected to claim victory for my people. And of course Abellona wouldn’t have left her handy work at the depths of the ocean floor. She would have claimed them, probably using some black magic to call them back to Atlantis.

“What do you know about Atlantis?” I asked, feeling there was more to the story than he’d yet to share with me.

“There was a faint trail in the air, a scent, I suppose in the direction of Atlantis. I truly believe, and have for as long as we’ve discussed Atlantis in the war room, that Azores is near Atlantis. Last night, the trail led southeast for quite a way before I lost the scent.”

“Why did Levana let you come to me?” She was adamant that her magic could not lift the selkie curse if Ronan and I wanted to be together in my kingdom. We could only see each other every seven years, unless of course I hid his selkie skin. Then he wouldn’t even be able to step foot in the water.

“She couldn’t have stopped me even if she wanted to. I was there, sitting behind you, listening and watching. I wanted to come to you, to hold your hand, to tell you how proud I was of how strong you are, but I knew it wasn’t the time. You needed to focus on your child, on being strong for the two of you. So I waited until Levana said you needed me and I left when I did because I knew it was best if Arion did not know I had returned to the guard.”

I could be thankful for that. With all the stress of the war and then the questions he’d had Deva answer, seeing Ronan at the palace would have triggered more resentment and anger. My heart began to thud in my chest. What if he already knew that Ronan was there? What if he’d seen or heard or word had spread through the palace and found its way back to him? What must he be thinking. And then my thoughts flashed to Boreas and how wonderfully perfect he was.

“Did you see Boreas?” The words just sort of slipped from my lips, but the thought of my little one brought about new comparisons I couldn’t forget. The blue lagoon tail that was more a cold water trait than a warm water. The dark tufts of hair that suddenly seemed so much like Ronan’s. And those eyes of his. A perfect match for the color of Ronan’s selkie skin.

“Aye,” he said, his voice gruff. I wasn’t sure if it was annoyance or hurt.

Once upon a time we thought that something great would come out of the war for all the sacrifices we’d had to make. He’d lost the wife and child he’d loved and I thought I’d lost Arion forever. We dreamed of starting over, together, of ruling the ocean together and having children. Of laying under the moon at night, making love. Memories of his palms on my naked body brought back such desire I almost uttered them aloud. How could so many dreams be created in so little time, hurt so much when they are taken away?

I was quiet now, thoughtful. So much would be different if the war had ended differently.

“Deva said that a part of you will always be in my children because of the sacrifice you made for me.” The other selkies kept their gazes straight ahead, as if they hadn’t heard any of the conversation.

“Aye, she spoke to me as well.”

“Ronan! Please, turn around and say something!” I stopped, the selkies halting movement almost simultaneously. I didn’t know what I expected him to say, but I had hoped he would say something, or at least feel something. Maybe I was being too emotional. Maybe I had let too many memories of the past overwhelm my feelings in the moment.

There was no use thinking about the what ifs. Seven years had passed and I was happy. Arion was my love and we had a family. Sobek and Astraea were as much our children as Dagon and Boreas. I had no reason to be unhappy with him and with the life we’d worked so hard to build, but here I found myself, questioning the last seven years and what was right.

“What would you like me to say, my queen? That I let myself hope and dream of the life you and I would build only to see the king take it all away from me. That I wish more than anything for your children to be my own. That I can hardly stand to call him my king because I know that you are his. Or would you have me say that I hate myself for hating him because none of this was his fault. Do you want me to say that I love you and I hate that he has more of you than I ever can?” His eyes reflected nothing but hurt, maybe even a little betrayal. I hated this. I hated that the gods had chosen such trials for me.

“You should have told Levana that you couldn’t take this order.” I felt tears start to burn my eyes but I refused to let him see me cry again.

“You are more than my queen. You have been since the day that I laid eyes on you. I cannot change that. It is the test the gods have chosen for me that I cannot help but fail.” He turned back to the east and started to swim, faster than before, but still not too fast for me to keep up.

I swam along behind him, fighting the tears, wishing the other selkies would disappear so that I could disappear too. I wanted to float away, to watch the sun, where it lay in the sky as it arched toward the west. Or maybe sink to the bottom, find myself a cavernous wall to swim into, and wait for the moon to come out. At least then I wouldn’t have to feel Ronan’s distaste and his resentment. It radiated off him like the current we swam against. He’d gone back to Levana and her royal guard in hopes of seeing me, but I wished he’d just left it alone. Then we wouldn’t be here right now, both of us hurt and disappointed. How could Levana have even thought that sending me out with Ronan was appropriate? Why would she have knowingly deceived Arion?

“Zarya, I love you. As much as it kills me to know that you are Arion’s, I take solace in the fact that he loves you the same way I do. If I weren’t sure you were happy too, then I’d be angry. Then I would be furious. Then, I wouldn’t stand by, but I love you enough to let your happiness be enough for me.” He didn’t stop, his body as one with the current as could be.

I did not say a word. I just followed along, letting my tail flicker in the current and propel me forward. The other selkies that surrounded me kept swimming too, looking neither tired not particularly energized.

When we surfaced for the night, I was happy to have an excuse to close my eyes and forget the emotions running through my veins.