I seem to have lost the notes I'd constructed on Tallulah and the very important details that go into Penalty Killer. I'm so frustrated right now. I don't know if it's just being tired and not seeing what's there, or if I'm overly angry at what really isn't there. I could have sworn I jotted notes down in my journal, but no, not there. Could have sworn I included these updated notes on her bio document but not there either.
GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sleepless
Tried to go to sleep at about 12:45am but apparently it wasn't happening. Fast forward an hour later and I'm awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about my writing. Or more specifically, Tallulah and Gennadi. It's cold right now or maybe I'd go out to the nearest gas station and pick up a generic latte. No, it's more than cold ... it's bitter.
I'm tired, but not tired enough to feel like sleeping. And I'm not awake enough to feel like I can write anything of quality. I think I will try to get some sleep now so I can have a full day of writing tomorrow.
I'm tired, but not tired enough to feel like sleeping. And I'm not awake enough to feel like I can write anything of quality. I think I will try to get some sleep now so I can have a full day of writing tomorrow.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Penalty Killer Ch. 8 (preview)
Here is a small preview of chapter eight. I need to dig one of my old journals out and find some notes to finish out the chapter.
Once again, the following preview is my personal work and it is NOT permissible to copy or change it.
The private lab was the epitome of scandal with dark tinted windows, a nondescript name, and neutral colored furnishings inside. There were very few cars in the parking lot, the sun brimming in the distance. I glanced in the rearview mirror to see Max fast asleep. I couldn’t see Marina but I assumed she was asleep too. There was no music on the radio and no conversation. A car pulled up next to us, and my heart started to pound so ferociously I had to concentrate on breathing just to keep from passing out. Cody, his eyes red and swollen, a full day’s worth of scruff coloring his jaw. Eyes closed for just a moment, I tried to forget how truly sorry and regretful he seemed.
“Do you think you can get Max? I’ll get Marina,” Kozlov grumbled when he saw Cody. I nodded, not really sure of anything except that I wanted to be anywhere else but here. I opened my door and went to the back seat for Max. The buckles of his car seat took some finagling but I managed to get them undone.
“Do you need some help?” Cody asked over my shoulder.
“If she needs help, I’ll be the one to do it,” Kozlov growled. He was already outside the car with Marina in his arms so I couldn’t see his expression but I imagined it just the same. Max barely acknowledged me when I pulled him from the car. My back ached and toting him around was doing me no favors, but I would keep that to myself.
I followed Kozlov up the pavement and to the door that Cody held open. This was excruciatingly embarrassing. My husband was not a jealous man, and this was not jealousy that made him dislike Cody. To him, it didn’t matter that Cody was helping us, hoping to stop Kip in his tracks. When he looked Cody I knew exactly what he saw; the man who had walked away, left me defenseless. The man who looked so similar to our daughter. That was what stung the most; seeing him in her face.
“Good morning! You have the six a.m. appointment don’t you? Let me show you back to the room and we’ll get started,” said a lady in a lab coat. She knew who we were, could see the recognition in her eyes. Well, she knew who Kozlov was anyway.
Max in my arms, I followed the woman, careful not to let my gaze wander to any of the other sleepy eyed technicians who were already sipping coffee at their respective desks. Elevator music barely buzzed from behind a closed door. The lab coated lady led us to the last door down the short hall and flicked the light on as she stepped inside.
“We’ll be right back. Do you have that paperwork filled out or do you need more time?” She stood to the side as Kozlov and Cody filed in behind me. The kids both twitched, Marina the only one waking enough to open her eyes and groan about the lights.
“Yes.” I shifted Max to my hip and reached for the paperwork in my purse. My back was aching, my pelvic muscles tightening with cramps. I handed the folder to her, our paperwork and various identification inside. Cody did the same. Now it was a waiting game, eerie silence with the muffled hum of music in the distance. I sat with Max on my lap, cuddled up against my chest. The smell of fruity watermelon shampoo was overwhelming so I tried to breathe in through my mouth instead of through my nose.
It took only a few seconds for the next technician to open the door, but it felt like half an eternity. Kozlov stood with a sleepy and grumpy Marina in his arms. Cody pressed against the wall, trying not to stare at any one thing too long. I knew he was fighting the urge to look at Marina, to study her face one more time. Maybe he was even fighting the urge to look at me, a son in my arms that didn’t belong to him. A happy family that he would never belong to. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but I too focused on something else, like the pattern of gray tiles on the floor.
“Doctor and Mr. Kozlov, I see we have a simple,” he paused, unsure of his wording in front of the children, “cheek swab today.”
I nodded, and Kozlov shifted Marina in his arms. The technician opened a new buccal swab, holding the long stem between blue gloved fingers. First was Marina. She was so sleepy she hardly put up any resistance at all and when the technician smiled at her and said she was all done, Marina closed her eyes and turned her face to Kozlov’s neck.
“I’ll take the kids out to the car,” he said, shifting Marina to one side as he leaned down for Max. Gennadi was not a very physically imposing man. He was tall and lean, but I never doubted his strength, even when we first met. Careful not to run into anything in the small space, he maneuvered between me and the technician, slipping out the door with both children in his arms. Though I was sure he wanted to get the kids to the car and out of the small room before either of them began to ask questions, I knew it was more about getting away from Cody. This was so difficult for him; much more difficult than he would ever admit to.
“Okay Doctor Paulson, your turn,” the technician said, another buccal swab in hand.
I stood, a wave of nausea and vertigo almost taking me to my knees. One hand against the wall and the other over my abdomen, I closed my eyes as the technician swabbed Cody’s cheek. This was ridiculous. Even when I was pregnant with Marina the symptoms were never so debilitating. If it kept up, I knew the Chief would have to restrict my surgeries.
“You’re pregnant?” Cody asked from his side of the room. His face was red, eyes swollen, but I saw no tears. Maybe, like me, he’d cried himself out through the night. That didn’t stop the sudden look of betrayal that swept over his face as I nodded.
© 2010 by Tracy Zavaleta as Common Law Literary Property
Once again, the following preview is my personal work and it is NOT permissible to copy or change it.
The private lab was the epitome of scandal with dark tinted windows, a nondescript name, and neutral colored furnishings inside. There were very few cars in the parking lot, the sun brimming in the distance. I glanced in the rearview mirror to see Max fast asleep. I couldn’t see Marina but I assumed she was asleep too. There was no music on the radio and no conversation. A car pulled up next to us, and my heart started to pound so ferociously I had to concentrate on breathing just to keep from passing out. Cody, his eyes red and swollen, a full day’s worth of scruff coloring his jaw. Eyes closed for just a moment, I tried to forget how truly sorry and regretful he seemed.
“Do you think you can get Max? I’ll get Marina,” Kozlov grumbled when he saw Cody. I nodded, not really sure of anything except that I wanted to be anywhere else but here. I opened my door and went to the back seat for Max. The buckles of his car seat took some finagling but I managed to get them undone.
“Do you need some help?” Cody asked over my shoulder.
“If she needs help, I’ll be the one to do it,” Kozlov growled. He was already outside the car with Marina in his arms so I couldn’t see his expression but I imagined it just the same. Max barely acknowledged me when I pulled him from the car. My back ached and toting him around was doing me no favors, but I would keep that to myself.
I followed Kozlov up the pavement and to the door that Cody held open. This was excruciatingly embarrassing. My husband was not a jealous man, and this was not jealousy that made him dislike Cody. To him, it didn’t matter that Cody was helping us, hoping to stop Kip in his tracks. When he looked Cody I knew exactly what he saw; the man who had walked away, left me defenseless. The man who looked so similar to our daughter. That was what stung the most; seeing him in her face.
“Good morning! You have the six a.m. appointment don’t you? Let me show you back to the room and we’ll get started,” said a lady in a lab coat. She knew who we were, could see the recognition in her eyes. Well, she knew who Kozlov was anyway.
Max in my arms, I followed the woman, careful not to let my gaze wander to any of the other sleepy eyed technicians who were already sipping coffee at their respective desks. Elevator music barely buzzed from behind a closed door. The lab coated lady led us to the last door down the short hall and flicked the light on as she stepped inside.
“We’ll be right back. Do you have that paperwork filled out or do you need more time?” She stood to the side as Kozlov and Cody filed in behind me. The kids both twitched, Marina the only one waking enough to open her eyes and groan about the lights.
“Yes.” I shifted Max to my hip and reached for the paperwork in my purse. My back was aching, my pelvic muscles tightening with cramps. I handed the folder to her, our paperwork and various identification inside. Cody did the same. Now it was a waiting game, eerie silence with the muffled hum of music in the distance. I sat with Max on my lap, cuddled up against my chest. The smell of fruity watermelon shampoo was overwhelming so I tried to breathe in through my mouth instead of through my nose.
It took only a few seconds for the next technician to open the door, but it felt like half an eternity. Kozlov stood with a sleepy and grumpy Marina in his arms. Cody pressed against the wall, trying not to stare at any one thing too long. I knew he was fighting the urge to look at Marina, to study her face one more time. Maybe he was even fighting the urge to look at me, a son in my arms that didn’t belong to him. A happy family that he would never belong to. I wanted to feel sorry for him, but I too focused on something else, like the pattern of gray tiles on the floor.
“Doctor and Mr. Kozlov, I see we have a simple,” he paused, unsure of his wording in front of the children, “cheek swab today.”
I nodded, and Kozlov shifted Marina in his arms. The technician opened a new buccal swab, holding the long stem between blue gloved fingers. First was Marina. She was so sleepy she hardly put up any resistance at all and when the technician smiled at her and said she was all done, Marina closed her eyes and turned her face to Kozlov’s neck.
“I’ll take the kids out to the car,” he said, shifting Marina to one side as he leaned down for Max. Gennadi was not a very physically imposing man. He was tall and lean, but I never doubted his strength, even when we first met. Careful not to run into anything in the small space, he maneuvered between me and the technician, slipping out the door with both children in his arms. Though I was sure he wanted to get the kids to the car and out of the small room before either of them began to ask questions, I knew it was more about getting away from Cody. This was so difficult for him; much more difficult than he would ever admit to.
“Okay Doctor Paulson, your turn,” the technician said, another buccal swab in hand.
I stood, a wave of nausea and vertigo almost taking me to my knees. One hand against the wall and the other over my abdomen, I closed my eyes as the technician swabbed Cody’s cheek. This was ridiculous. Even when I was pregnant with Marina the symptoms were never so debilitating. If it kept up, I knew the Chief would have to restrict my surgeries.
“You’re pregnant?” Cody asked from his side of the room. His face was red, eyes swollen, but I saw no tears. Maybe, like me, he’d cried himself out through the night. That didn’t stop the sudden look of betrayal that swept over his face as I nodded.
© 2010 by Tracy Zavaleta as Common Law Literary Property
Saturday, December 4, 2010
PK Update
Working on Chapter Eight right now. Not sure how well it will go. I am hoping to be able to see the game tonight but if not, I'll be listening to Mike Lange call it, so I will be quite distracted. I'll try to get to it during intermissions and I'll post a sneak peek when I'm done. I'm halfway through the chapter anyway.
Winter is Upon Us
This is the weather we woke up to today .... Excuse the photo quality. I couldn't find my camera so I had to take them with my phone.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Penalty Killer Ch. 7
*Here is the chapter I promised. Please note, all writing posted is the sole property of me, Tracy Zavaleta. It may NOT be copied or changed*
Chapter Seven
Breathe
It would have been too easy to run away. My thoughts definitely went there more than once as I’d walked that long hallway back to the doctor’s lounge. He was still there, a pile of folders in front of him as if he had to keep himself busy to keep from thinking about the repercussions of the past. For just a moment I stood in the doorway wondering what life would be like if I flew to Russia with the kids. We could start over and when Kozlov’s contract was up he could play in the Russian league. Even as the thought had formed I knew it was impossible, but that didn’t stop me from hoping. I watched Cody for a seconds, the way his forehead scrunched on one side with a lowered eyebrow when he was deep in thought. That was Marina. He had to be her father.
Because maybe if all of the pieces fell into place then Kip would be the last of California to come rushing back into my world. Maybe Marina would never have to know. Nip it in the bud. That was something Mom loved to say. God, I wished she was here now to give me some nugget of wisdom to make this even a smidge easier to deal with. My heart still ached in my chest. One more tiny little fracture on the surface of my happy little family and I wasn’t sure where that would leave me. If it all broke, if Marina found out and the disc got out there in the world, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to piece the shards back together again when the aftermath settled. If it ever did.
“Tallulah, what are we doing?” Cody’s voice broke the reverie and I realized we were parked outside the apartment. The doorman was at my side, the handle grasped waiting for the door to unlock.
“Welcome to Boston,” I muttered. I pushed the lock button and my door opened almost simultaneously. The valet crossed my path as I stepped to the door. Nerves were getting the best of me. I couldn’t stop trembling. My heart thundered in my chest, beads of perspiration dampening the nape of my neck. My stomach growled when the elevator doors opened and I realized it’d been almost a whole day since I’d had anything to eat.
Kozlov didn’t want Cody to see our daughter. I couldn’t blame him and having to ask him made me wish I’d never dragged him into this tangled web. Up until this point I thought we were capable of overcoming every obstacle. If he was to get traded tomorrow, I wouldn’t even hesitate to leave Rockport behind. If he said he wanted to retire and move to Alaska, I’d pack without a question. But this was different. Somewhere out there, the disc was in the wrong hands and it didn’t matter that I was a victim. Once that video was out there, I couldn’t take it back.
“Kozlov is her dad. That’s all she’s ever known.” The words echoed in the elevator and I opened my eyes. There was no one else on board but I still felt like the secret was swirling through the air, a wisp of words that would murmur through the city until there was no way to refute it.
“That isn’t my fault. I would have been there. I wanted to be there. I wanted you.” There could have been some accusation in his words but all I heard was the pain that wrapped around each admission.
When the elevator doors opened I led Cody down the hall to our door. It was open before I’d even reached for the handle. Kozlov’s face was void of almost any emotion. He didn’t even momentarily glance at Cody and I knew exactly why. He was afraid of what he’d see there. The memories from years earlier were still there, but too vague except to make generalizations. If he looked at Cody now, especially with Marina in the same room, he was afraid of the similarities he’d see. I ached to throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I was.
The apartment smelled like banana nut bread and if there’d been anything at all in my stomach I would have ran for the nearest bathroom. A little reluctantly, Cody followed me in and gently closed the door behind him. The kids were laughing, probably playing in one of the bedrooms because the living room was empty except a briefcase on the coffee table. That made my palms sweaty. Had Kip really called the police and followed through on his threats? Panic seized my throat and I started to cough at the effort to inhale. Kozlov had a bottle of ginger ale in my hands almost immediately, as if he expected morning sickness would get the best of me as soon as I came through the door.
“Are you okay?” His gaze never left me, one hand reaching for the bottle and the other touching my belly.
“I’m fine. What’s Greg doing here?” I asked through shallow breaths.
“I asked him to explain to us how this will work.” He still refused to turn to Cody and Cody sensed it too.
“I want to help. I’ll do anything I can.”
“I’m glad to hear it. While the kids are playing with Jodi I’d like to go over the details of what’s going to happen. I’m Gregory Wright, attorney for Tallulah and Gennadi. I’ve contacted a private lab and set up an appointment for paternity testing. It’s a simple cheek swab. If it comes back that you’re a biological match, we file a simple petition to sever paternal rights. I have some friends who can get the motion passed through quickly. Once that’s been signed off on, we’ll start the adoption paperwork legally making Gennadi her father.” Greg stepped out of the kitchen and extended a hand to Cody.
“And if I’m not a match?” Cody asked. Maybe he was just following Greg’s lead, but he hadn’t referred to himself as Marina’s father. It was a good thing too because I wasn’t sure how long Kozlov could stand his presence in our home if he had.
“We’ll cross that bridge if we have to.” There was no question how serious this had become. If Cody wasn’t her father I wasn’t sure there was a plan b. Although, Russia was starting to sound better and better as each minute ticked by.
“She’s my daughter. She always has been and I won’t let anyone tell her any different,” Kozlov said, turning his eyes on Cody for the first time since we’d walked through the door. His words were full of warning but something else as well and I couldn’t exactly say what.
This was impossible. So much tension in the air and I could hardly breathe. My stomach ached and I tried not to show it. As much as I wanted to have another child, I just had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that this was too soon. With Kip back in the picture, the disc floating around in some cosmically unknown hands, and the fear of Marina overhearing anything she might understand, how was I supposed to take care of myself the way I needed to in order to sustain a healthy pregnancy. We hadn’t tried long enough, and that positive pregnancy test suddenly felt like just one more way the world could take a jab at this bubble of happiness I’d been living in for far too long.
Greg excused himself with a phone call, leaving his briefcase on the table as he stepped into the hall for some privacy and some quiet. Kozlov wrapped me in his arms for a hug, one that felt like he needed it more than an actual show of affection. I saw Cody over my shoulder, gazing at a picture of my family. Mommy and Daddy with Son and Daughter. The perfect family. Was he studying the picture? Trying to imagine himself transposed there over Kozlov’s image? He still felt what he had in college as if he were still living it and it suddenly made me feel sorry for him.
“Momma!” Max yelped from the hallway. Footsteps sounded behind him and I knew Marina was there. I wanted to look at her, to watch her, to study her face and wait for that moment when she saw even a little piece of herself in Cody’s eyes. She was just a little girl but I felt that panic tighten in my chest as I waited for her reaction. It should have been Cody’s reaction I was most worried about but I couldn’t turn to look at him. I couldn’t see that look on his face when it finally hit him that she was there in front of him.
And most of all, I couldn’t take the look on Kozlov’s face. No doubt he felt betrayal at the deepest part of his heart. We were his family and all of a sudden there was another man in the picture, with the power to shred our happy little family into memories. This was my fault. Those feelings that had to feel like a vice on his heart were my fault and if there was anything I could do to take it away, I wouldn’t hesitate.
“Max, I missed you so much! Marina, baby girl,” I said through invisible tears. I wanted to say more, but I couldn’t put words together.
“We missed you Momma. Daddy said you went to the hospital to help hearts. I wanted to make circus pancakes this morning but Daddy doesn’t know how to do it the way you do. Hey, Momma, are you helping his heart too?” Marina asked, running to Kozlov and tugging on his shirt, but it was obvious she was talking about Cody. I dared to turn to him, to see the look in his eyes.
There were invisible tears there too, pain and confusion and maybe even a little joy at the sight of her. Silence followed, my heart whirling in my chest like a boat propeller on the water. What else was I supposed to tell her? Kozlov winced at the words, his jaw clenching with control I didn’t think I possessed.
“Yes, Doctor Kozlov is helping me feel better. I need to get back to the hospital though.” It took him a moment longer to pull his gaze away from her than he expected. I could almost see his heart suspended in his chest, stuck mid beat. He looked strangled, fighting the urge that wanted to come naturally to him. I saw it in his eyes, a truth he couldn’t hide even though he wanted, if for no other reason than because it was what I’d asked of him.
Struggling to breathe, trying to keep a straight face so as not to scare the kids or anger Kozlov, he reached for the door and stumbled into the hall. All I really wanted to do was let him go. Let him run to a hotel and cry all the tears he was feeling. Just let him go, but a part of me felt guilty too. He might have left me there, seven years ago, defenseless against the rest of them, but I had no doubt in my mind that he regretted the decision to leave me behind. And if I was honest with myself, I had to admit that Cody was just as much a victim in all of this as me. After all, he had a daughter he’d never know.
And I think that was what made me hand Max to Kozlov and follow him out the door. The elevator was on its way up but had yet to reach our floor. He was breaking down, shoulders heaving with sobs he could no longer control.
“Just go back in there with your family. I’ll find a hotel. Call me about the appointment. I gotta get out of here, Tallulah.” He put a hand on the wall to steady himself and drew in a long, deep breath. There was still panic in his breathing, but the sobbing had ended.
“Wait,” I wanted to say more but couldn’t even decipher my thoughts let alone speak coherent sentences.
“You have every right to hate me and I see her and I see myself and I can’t help but think how it might have been different. If I’d just told them that I love you. If I’d just called the police. If I’d just stayed there. This could be us. She would call me daddy and that picture on the wall would be our perfect family.” The elevator doors opened and I knew he wanted to step into the cart but his muscles refused to cooperate.
“I don’t hate you, Cody. I can’t. Marina is a part of you, and hating you would be like hating her. I could never do that.” My heart started to beat again, sending blood careening through my head. Or maybe that lightheadedness was just the pregnancy talking.
“I wanted to ask you to marry me. I had the ring, I just couldn’t find the words to say. I think I would have that night if you would have stayed.” He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a white box, “I always carry it with me like I’ll get a second chance or something if I just wish hard enough.” He squeezed the box so hard I thought he was going to crush it. As the elevator doors started to close again, he stepped between them and jabbed a finger at the button panel.
If I hadn’t been so overwhelmed with tears I might have stopped him and told him how sorry I was that it all turned out like this. Back then, it was more about having a physical relationship with someone than actually loving him, but as I watched the doors close between us, I wondered if there was more. Maybe that’s why it’d hurt so much. Maybe that was why I’d blamed so much of California on him, because when it came right down to it, the betrayal I felt hurt almost as much as knowing what the rest of them had done.
Now it was time to face Kozlov all over again, this time without Cody between us. Leaving for the hospital at the crack of dawn was stupid and dangerous. Somehow Kip had found out about Marina and conveniently, the disc was gone too. That bubble of oblivion was gone. All in one day, home had lost that charade of solitude and privacy. Now it was painfully obvious; I didn’t feel or sense the intrusion, but it had happened and there was no way to tell how long ago.
It took a few seconds to regain control of the trembling that echoed from my eyelashes to my toes. The apartment was quiet again, except for the muffled sounds of Marina and Max giggling from one of their bedrooms. Jodi must have been called in to distract them again. I made my way to the kitchen hoping that something in the fridge wouldn’t send me running for the bathroom. Kozlov was there, a quiet conversation with Greg temporarily forgotten when I grabbed a ginger ale from the fridge.
“It’s best if we limit contact with Doctor Paulson now. I have his phone number. I’ll give him a call about the appointment and the next time you see him, he’ll be getting a cheek swab. Call me if you have any questions or something else comes up.” Greg shook hands with Kozlov and would have reached for mine if I hadn’t been so fully concentrating on not vomiting.
When I heard the door close I let the air whistle out between my teeth and closed my eyes. The nausea was staved off for another few seconds, but the vertigo was still there. I prayed to God. I believed in him more often than not, but right in that moment I couldn’t help but wonder if he was up there on some golden, iridescent throne of clouds laughing hysterically at me as if I was some unsuspecting juggling act he wondered how many obstacles he could throw at me before the pins came crashing down. I couldn’t take nine months of this and for the first time since falling in love with Kozlov, I regretted being pregnant.
“You can’t run from this, Tallulah. Not without me.” He pulled me in his arms and ran his fingers down my spine. I could feel the tears he wanted to cry even though I knew he was stone-faced and stoic as usual.
I wanted to say something but my mind kept racing around the morning. Too much was happening. If there was one thing in the world I thought I was capable of, it was protecting my children, but that suddenly seemed like one more thing just beyond my reach.
My cell phone rang. Burt’s name flashed across the screen. Great. Just when I thought I could at least forget a part of the mess, it came rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moment. I didn’t want to answer the questions I knew he and Grace had. I didn’t want to think about Audrey actually knowing Kip or even begin to speculate what their relationship might be. Grace was probably on the first flight to Arizona she could find and Burt was probably stuck between worrying about Audrey and worrying about the latest illegitimate descendant to ripple up from the past.
For a moment I only wanted to stand there, holding my husband, forgetting about everything except nothingness. That’s what I craved most. I needed nothingness. I needed sleep to forget about Cody and Kip and Audrey and Burt and nausea and the increasing suspicion that Kozlov and I would suffer another pregnancy loss. God, how horrible did it make me that I was trying not to attach myself to the idea of pregnancy because I didn’t feel strong enough.
© 2010 by Tracy Zavaleta as Common Law Literary Property
Chapter Seven
Breathe
It would have been too easy to run away. My thoughts definitely went there more than once as I’d walked that long hallway back to the doctor’s lounge. He was still there, a pile of folders in front of him as if he had to keep himself busy to keep from thinking about the repercussions of the past. For just a moment I stood in the doorway wondering what life would be like if I flew to Russia with the kids. We could start over and when Kozlov’s contract was up he could play in the Russian league. Even as the thought had formed I knew it was impossible, but that didn’t stop me from hoping. I watched Cody for a seconds, the way his forehead scrunched on one side with a lowered eyebrow when he was deep in thought. That was Marina. He had to be her father.
Because maybe if all of the pieces fell into place then Kip would be the last of California to come rushing back into my world. Maybe Marina would never have to know. Nip it in the bud. That was something Mom loved to say. God, I wished she was here now to give me some nugget of wisdom to make this even a smidge easier to deal with. My heart still ached in my chest. One more tiny little fracture on the surface of my happy little family and I wasn’t sure where that would leave me. If it all broke, if Marina found out and the disc got out there in the world, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to piece the shards back together again when the aftermath settled. If it ever did.
“Tallulah, what are we doing?” Cody’s voice broke the reverie and I realized we were parked outside the apartment. The doorman was at my side, the handle grasped waiting for the door to unlock.
“Welcome to Boston,” I muttered. I pushed the lock button and my door opened almost simultaneously. The valet crossed my path as I stepped to the door. Nerves were getting the best of me. I couldn’t stop trembling. My heart thundered in my chest, beads of perspiration dampening the nape of my neck. My stomach growled when the elevator doors opened and I realized it’d been almost a whole day since I’d had anything to eat.
Kozlov didn’t want Cody to see our daughter. I couldn’t blame him and having to ask him made me wish I’d never dragged him into this tangled web. Up until this point I thought we were capable of overcoming every obstacle. If he was to get traded tomorrow, I wouldn’t even hesitate to leave Rockport behind. If he said he wanted to retire and move to Alaska, I’d pack without a question. But this was different. Somewhere out there, the disc was in the wrong hands and it didn’t matter that I was a victim. Once that video was out there, I couldn’t take it back.
“Kozlov is her dad. That’s all she’s ever known.” The words echoed in the elevator and I opened my eyes. There was no one else on board but I still felt like the secret was swirling through the air, a wisp of words that would murmur through the city until there was no way to refute it.
“That isn’t my fault. I would have been there. I wanted to be there. I wanted you.” There could have been some accusation in his words but all I heard was the pain that wrapped around each admission.
When the elevator doors opened I led Cody down the hall to our door. It was open before I’d even reached for the handle. Kozlov’s face was void of almost any emotion. He didn’t even momentarily glance at Cody and I knew exactly why. He was afraid of what he’d see there. The memories from years earlier were still there, but too vague except to make generalizations. If he looked at Cody now, especially with Marina in the same room, he was afraid of the similarities he’d see. I ached to throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I was.
The apartment smelled like banana nut bread and if there’d been anything at all in my stomach I would have ran for the nearest bathroom. A little reluctantly, Cody followed me in and gently closed the door behind him. The kids were laughing, probably playing in one of the bedrooms because the living room was empty except a briefcase on the coffee table. That made my palms sweaty. Had Kip really called the police and followed through on his threats? Panic seized my throat and I started to cough at the effort to inhale. Kozlov had a bottle of ginger ale in my hands almost immediately, as if he expected morning sickness would get the best of me as soon as I came through the door.
“Are you okay?” His gaze never left me, one hand reaching for the bottle and the other touching my belly.
“I’m fine. What’s Greg doing here?” I asked through shallow breaths.
“I asked him to explain to us how this will work.” He still refused to turn to Cody and Cody sensed it too.
“I want to help. I’ll do anything I can.”
“I’m glad to hear it. While the kids are playing with Jodi I’d like to go over the details of what’s going to happen. I’m Gregory Wright, attorney for Tallulah and Gennadi. I’ve contacted a private lab and set up an appointment for paternity testing. It’s a simple cheek swab. If it comes back that you’re a biological match, we file a simple petition to sever paternal rights. I have some friends who can get the motion passed through quickly. Once that’s been signed off on, we’ll start the adoption paperwork legally making Gennadi her father.” Greg stepped out of the kitchen and extended a hand to Cody.
“And if I’m not a match?” Cody asked. Maybe he was just following Greg’s lead, but he hadn’t referred to himself as Marina’s father. It was a good thing too because I wasn’t sure how long Kozlov could stand his presence in our home if he had.
“We’ll cross that bridge if we have to.” There was no question how serious this had become. If Cody wasn’t her father I wasn’t sure there was a plan b. Although, Russia was starting to sound better and better as each minute ticked by.
“She’s my daughter. She always has been and I won’t let anyone tell her any different,” Kozlov said, turning his eyes on Cody for the first time since we’d walked through the door. His words were full of warning but something else as well and I couldn’t exactly say what.
This was impossible. So much tension in the air and I could hardly breathe. My stomach ached and I tried not to show it. As much as I wanted to have another child, I just had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that this was too soon. With Kip back in the picture, the disc floating around in some cosmically unknown hands, and the fear of Marina overhearing anything she might understand, how was I supposed to take care of myself the way I needed to in order to sustain a healthy pregnancy. We hadn’t tried long enough, and that positive pregnancy test suddenly felt like just one more way the world could take a jab at this bubble of happiness I’d been living in for far too long.
Greg excused himself with a phone call, leaving his briefcase on the table as he stepped into the hall for some privacy and some quiet. Kozlov wrapped me in his arms for a hug, one that felt like he needed it more than an actual show of affection. I saw Cody over my shoulder, gazing at a picture of my family. Mommy and Daddy with Son and Daughter. The perfect family. Was he studying the picture? Trying to imagine himself transposed there over Kozlov’s image? He still felt what he had in college as if he were still living it and it suddenly made me feel sorry for him.
“Momma!” Max yelped from the hallway. Footsteps sounded behind him and I knew Marina was there. I wanted to look at her, to watch her, to study her face and wait for that moment when she saw even a little piece of herself in Cody’s eyes. She was just a little girl but I felt that panic tighten in my chest as I waited for her reaction. It should have been Cody’s reaction I was most worried about but I couldn’t turn to look at him. I couldn’t see that look on his face when it finally hit him that she was there in front of him.
And most of all, I couldn’t take the look on Kozlov’s face. No doubt he felt betrayal at the deepest part of his heart. We were his family and all of a sudden there was another man in the picture, with the power to shred our happy little family into memories. This was my fault. Those feelings that had to feel like a vice on his heart were my fault and if there was anything I could do to take it away, I wouldn’t hesitate.
“Max, I missed you so much! Marina, baby girl,” I said through invisible tears. I wanted to say more, but I couldn’t put words together.
“We missed you Momma. Daddy said you went to the hospital to help hearts. I wanted to make circus pancakes this morning but Daddy doesn’t know how to do it the way you do. Hey, Momma, are you helping his heart too?” Marina asked, running to Kozlov and tugging on his shirt, but it was obvious she was talking about Cody. I dared to turn to him, to see the look in his eyes.
There were invisible tears there too, pain and confusion and maybe even a little joy at the sight of her. Silence followed, my heart whirling in my chest like a boat propeller on the water. What else was I supposed to tell her? Kozlov winced at the words, his jaw clenching with control I didn’t think I possessed.
“Yes, Doctor Kozlov is helping me feel better. I need to get back to the hospital though.” It took him a moment longer to pull his gaze away from her than he expected. I could almost see his heart suspended in his chest, stuck mid beat. He looked strangled, fighting the urge that wanted to come naturally to him. I saw it in his eyes, a truth he couldn’t hide even though he wanted, if for no other reason than because it was what I’d asked of him.
Struggling to breathe, trying to keep a straight face so as not to scare the kids or anger Kozlov, he reached for the door and stumbled into the hall. All I really wanted to do was let him go. Let him run to a hotel and cry all the tears he was feeling. Just let him go, but a part of me felt guilty too. He might have left me there, seven years ago, defenseless against the rest of them, but I had no doubt in my mind that he regretted the decision to leave me behind. And if I was honest with myself, I had to admit that Cody was just as much a victim in all of this as me. After all, he had a daughter he’d never know.
And I think that was what made me hand Max to Kozlov and follow him out the door. The elevator was on its way up but had yet to reach our floor. He was breaking down, shoulders heaving with sobs he could no longer control.
“Just go back in there with your family. I’ll find a hotel. Call me about the appointment. I gotta get out of here, Tallulah.” He put a hand on the wall to steady himself and drew in a long, deep breath. There was still panic in his breathing, but the sobbing had ended.
“Wait,” I wanted to say more but couldn’t even decipher my thoughts let alone speak coherent sentences.
“You have every right to hate me and I see her and I see myself and I can’t help but think how it might have been different. If I’d just told them that I love you. If I’d just called the police. If I’d just stayed there. This could be us. She would call me daddy and that picture on the wall would be our perfect family.” The elevator doors opened and I knew he wanted to step into the cart but his muscles refused to cooperate.
“I don’t hate you, Cody. I can’t. Marina is a part of you, and hating you would be like hating her. I could never do that.” My heart started to beat again, sending blood careening through my head. Or maybe that lightheadedness was just the pregnancy talking.
“I wanted to ask you to marry me. I had the ring, I just couldn’t find the words to say. I think I would have that night if you would have stayed.” He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a white box, “I always carry it with me like I’ll get a second chance or something if I just wish hard enough.” He squeezed the box so hard I thought he was going to crush it. As the elevator doors started to close again, he stepped between them and jabbed a finger at the button panel.
If I hadn’t been so overwhelmed with tears I might have stopped him and told him how sorry I was that it all turned out like this. Back then, it was more about having a physical relationship with someone than actually loving him, but as I watched the doors close between us, I wondered if there was more. Maybe that’s why it’d hurt so much. Maybe that was why I’d blamed so much of California on him, because when it came right down to it, the betrayal I felt hurt almost as much as knowing what the rest of them had done.
Now it was time to face Kozlov all over again, this time without Cody between us. Leaving for the hospital at the crack of dawn was stupid and dangerous. Somehow Kip had found out about Marina and conveniently, the disc was gone too. That bubble of oblivion was gone. All in one day, home had lost that charade of solitude and privacy. Now it was painfully obvious; I didn’t feel or sense the intrusion, but it had happened and there was no way to tell how long ago.
It took a few seconds to regain control of the trembling that echoed from my eyelashes to my toes. The apartment was quiet again, except for the muffled sounds of Marina and Max giggling from one of their bedrooms. Jodi must have been called in to distract them again. I made my way to the kitchen hoping that something in the fridge wouldn’t send me running for the bathroom. Kozlov was there, a quiet conversation with Greg temporarily forgotten when I grabbed a ginger ale from the fridge.
“It’s best if we limit contact with Doctor Paulson now. I have his phone number. I’ll give him a call about the appointment and the next time you see him, he’ll be getting a cheek swab. Call me if you have any questions or something else comes up.” Greg shook hands with Kozlov and would have reached for mine if I hadn’t been so fully concentrating on not vomiting.
When I heard the door close I let the air whistle out between my teeth and closed my eyes. The nausea was staved off for another few seconds, but the vertigo was still there. I prayed to God. I believed in him more often than not, but right in that moment I couldn’t help but wonder if he was up there on some golden, iridescent throne of clouds laughing hysterically at me as if I was some unsuspecting juggling act he wondered how many obstacles he could throw at me before the pins came crashing down. I couldn’t take nine months of this and for the first time since falling in love with Kozlov, I regretted being pregnant.
“You can’t run from this, Tallulah. Not without me.” He pulled me in his arms and ran his fingers down my spine. I could feel the tears he wanted to cry even though I knew he was stone-faced and stoic as usual.
I wanted to say something but my mind kept racing around the morning. Too much was happening. If there was one thing in the world I thought I was capable of, it was protecting my children, but that suddenly seemed like one more thing just beyond my reach.
My cell phone rang. Burt’s name flashed across the screen. Great. Just when I thought I could at least forget a part of the mess, it came rearing its ugly head at the most inopportune moment. I didn’t want to answer the questions I knew he and Grace had. I didn’t want to think about Audrey actually knowing Kip or even begin to speculate what their relationship might be. Grace was probably on the first flight to Arizona she could find and Burt was probably stuck between worrying about Audrey and worrying about the latest illegitimate descendant to ripple up from the past.
For a moment I only wanted to stand there, holding my husband, forgetting about everything except nothingness. That’s what I craved most. I needed nothingness. I needed sleep to forget about Cody and Kip and Audrey and Burt and nausea and the increasing suspicion that Kozlov and I would suffer another pregnancy loss. God, how horrible did it make me that I was trying not to attach myself to the idea of pregnancy because I didn’t feel strong enough.
© 2010 by Tracy Zavaleta as Common Law Literary Property
Today, We Pot Roast
Last night, my mother called me and told me she would be making pot roast for dinner Friday night and asked if we would like to come over and share dinner with them. Of course I would, I love spending time with my mother, I love pot roast, I love being away from my own house. I made a quick check of the Penguins schedule posted as the background on my computer and confirmed there are no games tonight so it looks like a free meal at mom's like the good old days.
I feel good today, for no apparent reason. Joe didn't have to go to work until 2pm so we spent the morning/afternoon watching a movie. I've done nothing today outside of shower and watch movies but I feel like a million bucks.
I feel good today, for no apparent reason. Joe didn't have to go to work until 2pm so we spent the morning/afternoon watching a movie. I've done nothing today outside of shower and watch movies but I feel like a million bucks.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Getting to Business Today
I was totally prepared to leave the house today and let a new environment inspire me to write but when I took Christian to school it was freezing. So I decided I don't feel like spending a few hours at the bookstore writing and having to brave the below freezing temperatures and wind on the way home as the car warms up.
Now I'm nice and toasty at home. I have my prerequisite extra large coffee mug filled with hot ginger tea, my laptop up and running, my journal and pen for slight brainstorming, and my copy of Room to Write by Bonni Goldberg in case I need a little extra motivation to get started.
I will post a chapter tonight, although I'm not promising literary platinum ... I'm shooting for literary silver with the potential for platinum. Wish me luck!
Now I'm nice and toasty at home. I have my prerequisite extra large coffee mug filled with hot ginger tea, my laptop up and running, my journal and pen for slight brainstorming, and my copy of Room to Write by Bonni Goldberg in case I need a little extra motivation to get started.
I will post a chapter tonight, although I'm not promising literary platinum ... I'm shooting for literary silver with the potential for platinum. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
It's December 1st at 5:51am
And I'm awake because I kept almost falling asleep at 7:30pm and finally gave up the fight at 9:15pm. Then Joe decided to come to bed late and I've been up since about 3am. I'm tired but awake and have a million things I want to do today that I should be doing now; like cleaning house, but it's still too early in the morning to want to do much of anything.
I've been watching two infomercials this morning. The first featured Mr. T and some kind of roaster. Actually was kind of interested in that one. Now I'm watching that spokesman guy with the show about being a spokesman. I can't remember his name or the name of the show, but he's advertising the new and improved Super Slider G2. I don't even know why I'm bringing it up. I can't decide if I should go back to bed for a couple hours or just get on with my day.
I've been watching two infomercials this morning. The first featured Mr. T and some kind of roaster. Actually was kind of interested in that one. Now I'm watching that spokesman guy with the show about being a spokesman. I can't remember his name or the name of the show, but he's advertising the new and improved Super Slider G2. I don't even know why I'm bringing it up. I can't decide if I should go back to bed for a couple hours or just get on with my day.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
What a Character
(Prompt from Room to Write by Bonni Goldberg)
Pick someone you know either intimately or superficially and see on a fairly regular basis. Describe this person. When you are finished, notice what you concentrated on first, what aspects you have included and what you have left out. Did you include a physical description but leave out the way this person talks? Spend another half page on an element of the character that didn't appear in the original description, or rework the portrait by beginning with the last category of characteristics to show up in the original description.
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"I think what we do is take what we understand of both ourselves and what we see around us. Our own nature makes a selection; it selects which things please you more." ~~ Louise Nevelson
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Favorite Cousin
She is tall, imposing. She has a baby face with straight dark hair and brown eyes. She wears her jeans way too tight but she doesn't care what anyone thinks. She is funny and loud, naive at times. She scrunches up her face when she laughs. Her style is definitely more urban than anything else. Sometimes she seems more naive and unaware than she should be, but that is a defense mechanism. Sometimes she is very much a bully and puts on a tough act, but she has a heart of gold and takes things personally but you would probably never see her react to it.
Reworked from the last characteristic.
Heather portrays a tough exterior, but she has a heart of gold. She can rough house with the boys and put makeup on with the girls so she makes friends easily. She has a very urban street flow to her words but she is sweet and thoughtful. She might seem unapproachable because she has a lot of abrasive traits, but she is a kind person who has little encouragement at home. She is tall and imposing, but has this extra youthful smile when she is laughing that makes her seem so naive. She has long, straight dark hair almost always in a ponytail and brown eyes --- beautiful eyes! She always bites the tip of her tongue when she laughs.
******************
I had a difficult time with this exercise because I felt like I was cheating myself of it's benefits. I felt like I was focusing my character scope too widely because that was the point of the redirect. When I am writing, I fill out character interviews for each of my main characters and summarize my secondary characters so I don't think description is an area I truly need to focus on, but it was neat to "observe" my favorite cousin for a prompt.
Pick someone you know either intimately or superficially and see on a fairly regular basis. Describe this person. When you are finished, notice what you concentrated on first, what aspects you have included and what you have left out. Did you include a physical description but leave out the way this person talks? Spend another half page on an element of the character that didn't appear in the original description, or rework the portrait by beginning with the last category of characteristics to show up in the original description.
***************************
"I think what we do is take what we understand of both ourselves and what we see around us. Our own nature makes a selection; it selects which things please you more." ~~ Louise Nevelson
***************************
Favorite Cousin
She is tall, imposing. She has a baby face with straight dark hair and brown eyes. She wears her jeans way too tight but she doesn't care what anyone thinks. She is funny and loud, naive at times. She scrunches up her face when she laughs. Her style is definitely more urban than anything else. Sometimes she seems more naive and unaware than she should be, but that is a defense mechanism. Sometimes she is very much a bully and puts on a tough act, but she has a heart of gold and takes things personally but you would probably never see her react to it.
Reworked from the last characteristic.
Heather portrays a tough exterior, but she has a heart of gold. She can rough house with the boys and put makeup on with the girls so she makes friends easily. She has a very urban street flow to her words but she is sweet and thoughtful. She might seem unapproachable because she has a lot of abrasive traits, but she is a kind person who has little encouragement at home. She is tall and imposing, but has this extra youthful smile when she is laughing that makes her seem so naive. She has long, straight dark hair almost always in a ponytail and brown eyes --- beautiful eyes! She always bites the tip of her tongue when she laughs.
******************
I had a difficult time with this exercise because I felt like I was cheating myself of it's benefits. I felt like I was focusing my character scope too widely because that was the point of the redirect. When I am writing, I fill out character interviews for each of my main characters and summarize my secondary characters so I don't think description is an area I truly need to focus on, but it was neat to "observe" my favorite cousin for a prompt.
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